The Oates Journal (ISSN: 1098-1446) is a publication of the Wayne E. Oates Institute addressing issues related to spirituality, ethics, and healing from the perspective of pastoral care and counseling.

The Five Love Languages described by Gary Chapman have dazzled talk show hosts, mesmerized married couples, refocused parents, and even redefined how many counselors approach family conflict. The theory goes something like this. We all like to be affirmed, supported, and loved. We primarily get this from our close relationships; but we like different things. We each have a preferred way (language) to be loved. A person gets frustrated, upset, and hurt when this love does not come in the ways expected. Each person expresses love in the mode that they would like to receive love. You recall the five. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. You can go to the numerous web sites for more on each of these five.

Care and counseling focus on defining the five languages, clarifying each person’s love language, and working to meet each other's needs. This has worked fine for many couples that I have encountered in marriage conferences and in counseling. However, over time I have made two adjustments. If you have used this material, perhaps you too have personalized the love language approach.

First, I have noticed that many couples, families, and friendship groups feel loved in a sixth way. I say that the sixth love language is shared faith experiences. Couples especially feel deeper levels of intimacy if their partner joins them in worship, religious discussions, Bible study, joint prayer, mission service, or other faith experiences. This is more than talking about faith. This is actually being together in the practice of faith. Religious compatibility has long been one factor in both durability and satisfaction. Strong families share a faith component.

As I talk to couples and ask them to respond to the sixth love language, they express agreement and sometimes excitement. When I ask them to rank it along side the five original love languages, they most often rank it in the middle. A few have placed it number one.

Some persons say they do not participate in organized religion or do not have a faith system. When I suggest that they might call this their world view, philosophy of life, or meaning center, they often agree. Then they say that sharing these deeper areas together is important to them. I suggest this is still a sixth love language.

While families who come from different religious traditions can be strong, they must discuss their differences with mutual admiration and respect and find mutual ways of supporting each other’s faith journey. I have seen it go both ways. Some remain silent about their differences and drop out of their faith communities. Others discuss their faith, share experiences, and live in harmony. In these instances, couples who are sharing dissimilar faith experiences might actually be enriched by the diversity.

Second, I have noticed that many, if not all husbands, wives, children, parents, and partners like several if not all of these five. However, they desire them to differing degrees and in different orders. At times the preferences change with the family life cycle and life circumstances. A person may prefer one as a youth, another in mid life, and yet another in their golden years. Also, persons might prefer different ways of being loved in different relationships. A teen might long for more words of affirmation from a parent and more quality time with a special friend.

Therefore, I ask people to consider the six love languages in one relationship at a time. I suggest that they divide up 100 points between the six love languages. First they rank all six in the order of their preferences for a particular relationship (their child, marriage, or friend). Then they assign points to each love language. They can have ties. They can not use zero. A married couple might have lists that look something like this.

	Quality time	30		Acts of service	35
	Physical touch	20		Words of affirmation	20
	Words of affirmation	20		Quality time	20
	Shared faith experiences	15		Shared faith experiences	15
	Acts of service	10		Receiving gifts	10
	Receiving gifts	5		Physical touch	5

I have found that clarifying the difference in expectations clarifies the brokenness for many couples. However, it introduces new conflicts for others. Persons can think that their preferences are the only right order because they reflect their family of origin. They might resent the other partner’s desires or consider them selfish. Focusing on their common expectations first eases some tension. It has been my experience that as couples contract for change and grow in both understanding and willingness to love as desired, their relationships are strengthened. The more they accept, respect, and “speak” each others love language, the more often they express satisfaction and commitment in the relationship.

What have been your experiences with the love languages? Do you agree that shared faith experience can be a sixth love language? Do you agree that a person can have more than one language? Do we speak different love languages to God? Time, service, praise, gifts, faith sharing, and touch might be the order. Let the Oates Journal hear from you.

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