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Every Person Marries a Foreigner? PDF Print E-mail
Thursday, 30 October 2008 14:22
Dr. Wade RowattTwenty percent of marriages in the world involve first cousins, according to a recent radio broadcast. I’m not certain that this can be verified, but it reminds me that most persons do marry someone “outside of their tribe.” Often in my premarital counseling and almost always in marriage or divorce counseling, partners accuse each other of “not playing by the rules.” It is not uncommon for one spouse to turn to me and ask, “Isn’t that right?" “Well, yes and no,” I confidently assert.

I go on to add that durable, resilient, and satisfying marriages can take many forms. Playing by the same rules requires knowing and keeping the same expectations.

The few times that I have counseled persons, who married relatives, I still encountered different expectations about some aspects of marital life. One said, “She was raised by my uncle, but they did things differently from my grandparents and my father.” He went on to blame the variations on his aunt who was not related to his mother. Therefore, they did not obey the correct and proper rules of marriage.

I suspect that in some traditional families of cultures like Korea, Greece, India, or Tribal Ghana certain broad rules apply to almost all marriages. The movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, spotlighted the tensions that such differences can generate. However, with expanded world travel, broadening educational opportunities, and open multi-media communication, these more uniform cultures bump into diverse family patterns and may bring confusing questions to the norms for marriage. One Korean graduate student complained that his wife had been led astray by American women who did not know how to keep a husband happy.

Therefore, the question must be asked, “Does every person marry a foreigner?" If we mean by foreigner, a person from another family with different cultural influences, the answer is “yes.” In the USA and Canada so many nationalities have intermarried over the centuries, that most persons have no unique cultural identity. Most persons do not even know the cultural background, home country, or even the home town of their four biological grandparents, not to mention their eight great-grandparents. Add in a few step-parents, foster parents, and faith stance situations and the cultural soup thickens. Often these persons label their own expectations “the norm” and suggest that for the most part they are “common sense.”

How do we begin to clarify expectations and reduce conflict for couples lost in the jungle of normal rules for husbands and wives? They are desperately searching for someone to validate their needs and expectations. How do we assist these foreigners to recognize, accept, and adapt to their predicament? After they grieve the reality that they did not marry someone who wants to rebuild their family of origin or even keep all of the good parts, then the hard work of adjusting begins. I would like to suggest a few world view issues that make us foreigners to our spouses.

Perhaps the major difference is communication patterns. Of course language is different in different countries (German, Italian, Spanish, or English), but words are used differently in adjacent counties of rural America, on different sides of the tracks in small towns, and on different blocks of large cities. What is a “joint”? Beyond the obvious differences, there are taboo subjects, varied levels of raising one's voice, dissimilar expectations about how much to talk, unrelated events that set off an array of emotions. Some do not discuss emotions at all and others emotionally vomit on each other. Finding a common language, asking for clarification, and using each other's private words will strengthen the couple's communication. Dropping the assumptions that “my word is the best” aides the healing process.

Time orientations create conflict when they are not recognized and resolved. What defines being “on time”? How is time planned? Are they taking life as it comes or planning every minute? Do they live in the past, in the moment, or in planning for the future? These differences often go unnoticed because the individuals assume that their time orientation is “normal.” They may be in deep conflict over many issues that are rooted in time differences. Examining assumptions and negotiating a workable pattern eases this stress. Unfortunately, many individuals dig in their heels and refuse to change in this area. I have found that time orientation is deeply rooted in one’s culture and family.

Power and conflict resolution differences plague couples who have divergent expectations about the leadership role of the husband and wife. Who takes care of whom and in what areas can be complicated. In some cultures the male/female responsibilities are clearly defined, but not so in most modern families. Change and flux rule the day. These issues get tangled in a maze of self-esteem and ego issues that can end a marriage quickly. The ability to maintain self-worth in the face of changing “family of origin” power patterns eases the tension in the couple’s new relationship. Helping couples recognize power differences is the first step in guiding them to discover the power of self-giving love. Serving each other can transform the strain into gain.

Faith practices separate many families. For some couples it is easier to discuss their sexual practices, money quirks, or food peculiarities than it is to talk about faith. Couples who share faith common experiences grow closer, have fewer conflicts, and are more productive. The tension of different faith backgrounds does not mean that a couple cannot realize the heights of marital bliss. If they do not discuss the diversity, understand the importance of various practices, and respect each other’s beliefs, then they miss an essential area for enrichment.

In a way every person does marry a foreigner, but with recognition of the difference, respect for the validity of the spouse’s culture, open communication that fosters meeting in the middle, then the painful conflict and ongoing hostility can be diminished. In fact, some couples believe that their great differences have been a gift to enrich each other and their children.

What do you think? Is foreigner a useful metaphor for the wide differences in marital expectations? Do you see other major “cultural differences” between husbands and wives? What about self-reliance, competitiveness, work ethic, goals, health issues, calling to service, and children? The list could grow. When working with persons getting married and couples, I have found it useful to let them define the differences. I sometimes ask what it would look like if her mother had married his father. Often they gasp, groan, or laugh out loud! Most comment on how that might not work out so well. One woman blurted out, “That would start World War Three!” At least they recognize the magnitude of needed adaptations in order to reduce their conflict. It takes commitment, flexibility, and love to build a “new normal.”

An Eastern Kentucky woman shared some wedding day advice with her granddaughter. She compared a husband and wife to two rugged rocks being thrown into a turbulent mountain stream beside each other. The current pushes them hard and tosses them into each other until they rub off their rough edges. Eventually they become two smooth stones resting comfortably along side one another. Each still is itself, but they tumble in a new harmony of movement. Couples who realize the foreign nature of their marriage can build a new union with their own harmony.
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