The Oates Journal (ISSN: 1098-1446) is a publication of the Wayne E. Oates Institute addressing issues related to spirituality, ethics, and healing from the perspective of pastoral care and counseling.

So far in the 21st century there have been many events that have magnified the need for us to understand what it means to forgive, to exercise the capacity to forgive, and to experience the healing power of that forgiveness. Whether in the shadows of 9/11/01 in the United States, in the villages of Darfur, in an Amish school yard in Pennsylvania, on the campus of Virginia Tech, in the streets of an impoverished community, or behind closed doors; we are becoming increasingly aware of our need to understand forgiveness as a means for living life and alleviating suffering.

The following series of articles invites the reader to consider the hard work of forgiveness and its importance for each of our lives. With stories ranging from the death of a child in an automobile accident, the conviction of first-degree murder, and the devastation as a result of political and military violence, the reader is invited to learn from the experiences of others who have encountered and offered radical forgiveness.

On October 23, 1990, David and Wanda’s fifteen year old daughter, Amy, was killed in an automobile accident on her way to school when a second driver ran a stoplight. In his article, "The Unforgiven: A Psychiatrist’s Story," David McNeely says, “A parent feels that their future is lost irrespective of whether or not there are remaining children.” After blaming everything and everyone, including God and himself, McNeely got in touch with his anger toward the person he thought was responsible for Amy’s death.

At a time when his anger had become “self-destructive and self-indulgent” Dr. McNeely heard a clear voice inside his mind say, “You need to know that it is your own anger that is consuming you. You are continuously judging yourself by the same standard by which you judge others.” David continues to explain that finally he “got the message that forgiveness was the only way.” He came to realize that he had to let go of the rage “in order to be a forgiving and loving person.” However, this was not easy. Dr. McNeely admitted that “To give my rage up, at some level, made me feel like I was losing her all over again.”

In his prison ministry with people on death row Dennis Ugoletti has witnessed the “contrast between the forgiven and the embittered.” In his article, "Finding Forgiveness in Prison," Dennis recalls the first time he went to the prison and listened to the story told by a prisoner on death row. Before his death this prisoner, convicted of first degree murder and waiting execution, found forgiveness and peace with God. In contrast to the story of this first prisoner, a second prisoner refused help and blamed everyone for his situation. The second prisoner could never forgive those who betrayed him. In these and other stories told by the inmates, Rev. Ugoletti experienced first-hand the difference the capacity to forgive made in the lives of these individuals.

In his article, "This Matter of Forgiveness," William Tolbert III tells of his experience as the son of the former President of Liberia and pastor of the Zion Praise Baptist Church in Bentol, Liberia. His church is in an area which remains devastated as a consequence of the April 1980 military coup d’etat that overthrew his father's administration and subsequent violent conflicts that led to the prolonged crisis of civil war. Following the coup d’etat, all of the Tolbert family’s material possessions were confiscated and members of William Tolbert’s extended family were executed, imprisoned, or forced into involuntary exile. His mother and sisters were imprisoned, his uncle and cousin were executed by firing squad, and William Tolbert III and his elder brother were imprisoned.

Reflecting on the Biblical story of Joseph and his brothers, Rev. Tolbert acknowledges that “in times of personal or corporate distress, it is difficult to see beyond the pain and hurt of a situation to acknowledge what might be the present reality that God intends it for good.” William Tolbert reminds us that in order to experience the redemptive power of forgiveness “we have to be able to forgive God, ourselves, and others for wrong doings.” For “If God has forgiven us in spite of our belligerence and hardness of heart (s), who are we not to also forgive ourselves and other persons for their wrongs?”

Rev. Tolbert invites the reader to consider some of the difficult questions that surround the act of forgiveness; such as: how we can forgive, the consequences of not forgiving, and how we can offer forgiveness in light of our need for personal security or justice.

As a chaplain with expertise in trauma and pediatrics, Sue Wintz found herself confronted with the challenge of a lifetime, the dreaded loss that only a parent with a similar experience can begin to understand. In her article, "Living with Sarah’s Voice: Forgiveness and Traumatic Parental Grief," Sue Wintz tells of an experience in December of 2003 when her 17 year old daughter died as the result of a car accident. A driver had sped around stopped cars at a red traffic light going 60 miles an hour.

Rev. Wintz and her husband never heard a word from the man who was responsible for the death of their daughter. As Sue reflected on her Christian faith and the challenge “to forgive others in order to experience forgiveness ourselves,” she discovered that one of the most difficult challenges was dealing with “the seemingly indifferent attitude of the driver who caused the accident.”

In her article, "Forgiveness and the Centering of Self," Mary Fraser shares some of what she has learned about the ancient notion of “Return to Self,” an idea that many indigenous people accept as essential for the spiritual journey. Dr. Fraser proposes that it is this return or centering of the Self that puts us “in a state of balance that allows the great expressions of compassion, kindness, wisdom, calm and courage…” Dr. Fraser suggests that “we might understand the nature of forgiveness as an expression of the centered self” and that forgiveness “is actually an action of restoring oneself to one’s center…”

Even though “the soul self of each person is born perfect and whole into the world” it becomes separated from its center in the course of living. Dr. Fraser explains that the Self must then do the work of returning to its center. Through opportunities such as “vision quests, prayer, community, listening to the natural world, and listening to the Guidance of the Spirit,” the self is able to return “to its center, to its fundamental breath of wholeness.” It is “in centered perfection that forgiveness lives as Jesus expressed it to us.” It is “from the deep assuredness of sacred love” that we find “the power to forgive not simply as an action but as a lifestyle.” From a Christian perspective, Dr. Fraser suggests “that repentance is the turning of the self back to its center in God.”

When talking about the role of clergy when an individual has been sexually abusive, Kathy Manis Findley cautions the minister that "it is not uncommon for an offender to suddenly 'repent' when faced with criminal charges." She challenges the clergy person to clearly communicate to the offender that "conversion is only the first step." Kathy shares a story by Dr. Marie Fortune and her conversation with a group of twenty-three Christian incest offenders in sex offender treatment. Dr. Fortune says they "all said that the thing that was least helpful to them had been how quickly their pastors had forgiven them." "They believed that this 'cheap grace' actually prevented them from confronting their abusive behavior and dealing with it."

I have often heard that we “preach” what we need to hear and that is what this series of presentations means for me. They challenge me to live the lesson that my head knows to be true and my heart sometimes fails to embrace. I invite you to join me in listening with fresh ears and remaining open to behaviors and responses that need to change so that you can be empowered with the capacity to forgive and you can more wisely care for others.

Dr. Vicki Hollon is the Executive Director of the Wayne E. Oates Institute.

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