The Oates Journal (ISSN: 1098-1446) is a publication of the Wayne E. Oates Institute addressing issues related to spirituality, ethics, and healing from the perspective of pastoral care and counseling.

"I have prayed and prayed – for years on end. I know I should forgive the abuse. I know all about “forgive those who hurt you.” I know in the very depths of my spirit. I want to forgive him, but I honestly don’t know how. It is tormenting me."

These words, spoken in all sincerity by a victim of childhood sexual abuse who endured horrific violence throughout her entire childhood, are haunting in revealing the depth, breadth and length of sexual abuse. Not only was she abused daily for over 14 years, but as an adult she is also tormented by the abuse and her inability to forgive what her father did to her.

Many victims of violence and abuse express similar sentiments. Others find themselves immersed in a “religion” that forces them to deny the deeply emotional and spiritual effects of abuse and proclaim that they have “forgiven their abuser through the power of God.”

As compassionate caregivers – ministers, chaplains, pastoral counselors, etc. – we must find appropriate ways to allow the genuine emotional and spiritual trauma of individuals to take its course, for however long it takes, whether it leads to forgiveness or not. The word forgiveness should never exist in the same sentence with the words should, ought or must – not when we are ministering to individuals who have suffered abuse and betrayal.

Forgiveness after Child Sexual Abuse and Incest

This article cannot begin to address the issue of forgiveness for persons who have suffered the depth of this kind of trauma. These wounds and scars of the soul and spirit must heal in their own time and in their own way. This is a long process – a journey that for many victims takes an entire lifetime.

Margaret Kennedy (1991) writes about the practice of teaching that persons must forgive without repentance,

Of all the Christian doctrines, the one regarding forgiveness is probably the most important and enduring. It is also the most harmful for survivors. There is no discussion. One must forgive. As it is promulgated this must be ‘unconditional’. You forgive no matter what. Pop theology has actually distorted the teaching. In Luke 17:1-3 it actually says: "If your brother does something wrong, reprove him, and if he is sorry, forgive him." (p. 3)

Kennedy talks about how children and adults are encouraged to forgive even without repentance simply to bring an end to it. "Forgiveness is seen as the end. This will cause everything to be both forgotten and finished. The Church, the family, friends (particularly Christians) have decided this is the quickest, most guilt-ridden way of 'shutting the victim up'" (p. 3). She continues:

Two groups of survivors on retreat were asked their views about forgiveness . . . We all agree that ‘healing’ from child sexual abuse is a process, that it takes time. Churches, however, feel that forgiveness is the magic bullet - the ‘pill’ of cure. For many survivors, asking them to forgive is suggesting they have responsibility for clearing up the shit, for ‘finishing’ it off tidily. It doesn’t work like this; indeed this ‘quick fix’ is dangerous, for it stifles healing, which is a long haul. (p.3)

Forgiveness after child abuse is one of the most difficult subjects to address. The emotions surrounding the abuse of children are always deeply felt and expressed, as they should be. Therefore it is incumbent upon us as people of faith, grace and reconciliation to grapple with the issues over time, to avoid making quick judgments, to reach thoughtful personal conclusions about forgiveness in such extreme circumstances, and to understand that child abuse is so heinous a violation that each individual will have to come to his/her own place on the issue of forgiveness.

Forgiveness for an adult who was abused as a child is difficult because the abuse is never over. Virtually every abused child will take the abuse with them into adulthood. It will look different for each individual. The face of the abuse taken into adulthood looks like substance abuse or eating disorders, chronic anxiety or depression, physiological complaints or abusive relationships. It looks like self-harm or suicidal behavior. It looks like a series of re-victimizations. It looks like fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and a thousand other emotions.

“I thought it was my fault” is a common expression of shame and guilt, an expression that a child takes into her/his psyche, often taking permanent residence.

“I’m screaming but nobody hears me” is another expression that arises from the depths of a wounded child who has become a wounded adult.

Can such abuse be forgiven? It is a difficult question to answer, a deeply personal question. It is a question that raises more doubts than certainties. But isn’t that what faith is all about?

Victims of Domestic Violence: Beyond Protection to Justice-Making

The immediate task for faith communities and clergy must be providing protection and sanctuary. Beyond that is the task of helping make justice for the victims. Justice-making, which is definitely a prophetic mandate, begins with an acknowledgment of the fact of the victim's experience of abuse. When the faith community acknowledges and believes the victim's story, and when the clergy person intervenes to protect and support the victim on behalf of the faith institution, the victim receives a powerful catalyst for the process of healing. This becomes an important experience that contrasts to the usual disbelief in and blaming of the victim.

Certainly, an appropriate response from the criminal justice system may provide a measure of justice for the victim. The offender's repentance, which begins with acknowledgment of wrongdoing and legal consequences, is also an experience of justice for the victim.

But justice seeking on behalf of a victim by the faith community is the most powerful sense of justice possible. Victims of violence have not only outward signs of harm; they also have invisible wounds, which are very difficult to heal. When the faith community compassionately advocates for justice, a victim can be freed to let go of the immediacy of the inner wounds, to place their suffering in perspective, to believe in restored hope, and eventually perhaps, to be able to look at the process of forgiveness.

So what about forgiveness?

“Forgive those who hurt you.” This has traditionally been the faith community's response when counseling abused persons. The minister may see his or her role as being the guide for families to navigate the process of forgiveness. The reality is that the faith community has two very important responsibilities to families embroiled in violence: 1) to protect victims of violence and abuse; and 2) to hold the abuser accountable.

Reverend Al Miles (2003) defines what accountability means. He says that abusers who are a part of congregations must face clearly set out consequences. First of all, they must be relieved of their leadership roles in the faith community. They must immediately begin the process of true repentance, both an internal process and an external one. And finally, Miles pulls no punches when he says that abusers must face public consequences.

His practice? To go to court with the abuser! Miles gives this scenario: “I go to court with him, put my arm around him as we stand before the judge, and I say to the judge, 'Hold him accountable!'”

The courageous and responsible minister, priest or rabbi must not only offer spiritual care, but also opportunity for accountability and repentance. Repentance has a specific and non-negotiable definition: being accountable for doing wrong and stopping the abusive behavior. It's as simple as that, and it is sound practice for a faith community to hold abusers to that kind of repentance. In Christian Scripture, Jesus instructs the disciples on how to respond to one who sins:

If someone sins, you must rebuke the offender. If there is repentance, you must forgive. If that person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, "I repent," you must forgive. (Luke 17:3-4)

Repentance in both Hebrew and Greek references clearly refers to a complete turning around, a change of self:

Repent and turn away from all your transgressions . . . Get yourself a new heart and a new spirit! . . . Turn, then, and live. (Ezekiel 18:30-32)

Until this kind of genuine repentance happens, there can be no forgiveness. Forgiveness cannot occur in a vacuum; it is relational. If I should hit my head by running into a brick wall, I cannot forgive that brick wall. The brick wall was completely unaware that it hurt me. It is an inanimate object that cannot repent. So if I stand before the wall and declare that I forgive it a hundred times, my forgiveness is just words.

Forgiveness occurs in the context of relationship and can only be given and received when both the one who forgives and the one in need of forgiveness participate in the process of forgiveness that restores the relationship.

In my own faith tradition, and in many others, is the belief that if we ask God for forgiveness, God forgives us. We believe that God does not forgive us unless and until we ask for forgiveness. We are not better than God. We cannot truly forgive a person who has not asked for our forgiveness. We can repeat the words, but we are doing just that - repeating words. That is not genuine forgiveness.

Consider these scenarios:

A 48-year old woman who was an active and devout member of her faith tradition had lived through twenty-five years of abuse. Her husband, who battered her daily, also did everything he could to isolate her. One day her abusive husband told her that she could no longer attend worship in her faith community. Because her faith was so important to her, she broke her silence and confided in her minister, who told her that she must forgive her husband and that if she did her husband would change. The minister led her in prayer and sent her home to declare to her husband that she had forgiven him. Within a month, the abusive husband had murdered his wife.

A sexual abuser, who was also a leader in his faith community, was accused of molesting a teenage boy. Knowing that he would face inevitable prosecution and conviction, he begged his minister to help him, declared that he was repentant and asked for forgiveness. The minister acted as a mediator between the offender, the victim and the victim's parents, keeping the incident confidential. All agreed that repentance and forgiveness was all that needed to be done. The minister prayed with the offender, assured him of forgiveness, and sent him home. No report was made to the police. No help – other than the counsel of the minister – was provided, either for the victim or for the abuser. The abuser did not abuse anyone for a while, but eventually he did abuse other victims. Certainly, the minister's actions failed to help this man stop molesting children.

If one of the priorities of ministry is to restore what was broken and to reconcile broken relationships, then faith communities and clergy must be consistent in protecting victims and holding offenders accountable. Restoration of relationships is possible, but only if:

1) The victim is protected, believed, honored and kept safe from harm and the abuser; and

2) The abuser is held accountable and seeks true repentance.

This can be accomplished, for example, within Catholic tradition by the withholding of absolution until the offender has reported his crime and engaged in therapy to assure that he will not repeat his abusive behavior. Forgiveness handed out by a clergy person, of any faith tradition, never leads to repentance or restoration. Genuine forgiveness follows confession, repentance, and the commitment to work toward reconciliation no matter how long the process. Anything less is cheap grace. Anything less will not accomplish anything resembling restoration of relationship and genuine forgiveness.

Cautions for Clergy

Be cautious of the offender's conversion. It is not uncommon for an offender to suddenly “repent” when faced with criminal charges. The abuser who is “born again” will use such an experience as a way of avoiding accountability and court action.

An offender may say that he (or she) realizes the wrong committed and repents. If this is a genuine experience of conversion, then it can lead to repentance. Repentance can actually support the efforts of the offender through the long process of incarceration and/or offender therapy.

The clergy person may well be a part of this conversion process, guiding the offender through each stage. But the responsible clergy person will clearly communicate to the offender that conversion is only the first step. If it is not a genuine experience, but rather a way for the offender to avoid responsibility, then the minister is in the best position to confront the offender and prevent manipulation of the criminal justice systems designed to rehabilitate. The key is to hold offenders accountable.

Be cautious of quick forgiveness

Dr. Marie Fortune tells of a group of twenty-three Christian incest offenders in sex offender treatment who all said that the thing that was least helpful to them had been how quickly their pastors had forgiven them. They believed that this “cheap grace” actually prevented them from confronting their abusive behavior and dealing with it. (From an interactive video conference with Rev. Al Miles, June 30, 2003. Sponsored by Praxis International and the U.S. Department of Justice Office of Violence Against Women)

The Unique Pastoral Role

The clergy person can provide an invaluable resource to both victims and offenders. The unique resource that faith communities can provide to both victim and offender is that of spiritual care in the context of their faith. In addition to the crisis that families face when violence shatters their worlds, many victims also experience a crisis of faith. In this immediate experience of victimization, there is confusion, fear, anxiety, suffering, and a multitude of emotions. Victimization also presents a multitude of spiritual themes and faith concerns that emerge out of the violence:

• Why does God let this happen to me?

• Is suffering something we all must endure?

• Does my faith condone the option of separation or divorce?

• Does God ask that I honor my parents even if they abuse me?

• Do I have to forgive the person who hurt me and destroyed my life?

The role of the clergy in the context of the faith community includes three important

tasks:

1. Protecting the victim or victims from further abuse. Protection is the first priority in response to battering or child abuse. Secure the immediate safety of the person(s) harmed. For the victim of domestic violence, protection may mean encouraging the victim to go to a shelter for battered women or taking her there yourself. Protection may mean supporting the victim to move in with family in another state. It may mean calling the police.

2. Stopping the abuser's violence. The abuser's violent behavior must be confronted. Arrest is one of the most effective means by which to begin the process of stopping an abuser's violence. It may be the first time that anyone with authority has made it clear that the behavior is criminal and intolerable. The clergy person can reinforce this message. Do not be afraid to bring in the criminal justice system. You cannot handle this situation alone. Arrest is an effective deterrent to future abusive behavior, and court-mandated treatment following conviction is the most effective rehabilitative resource.

3. Restoring the broken relationship or mourning the loss of the relationship. When violence or abuse occurs within an intimate relationship, one of the losses is the loss of the relationship, often with little possibility of being able to restore it. The clergy person can hold up the possibility of reconciliation and healing of individuals and of relationships, but this is only possible when the victim has been protected and the offender has been held accountable.

Creating the appearance of restoration may be possible by encouraging a couple to live together in the same house, to pretend to be reconciled, to attend worship together. But the faith community must be about sincere repentance and forgiveness and reconciliation. The Christian scripture says that believers are given the “ministry of reconciliation.”

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creature; the old things have passed away; and new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who . . . gave us the ministry of reconciliation. (II Corinthians 5:17-19 (paraphrased))

Whatever this text may mean in the context of Christian scripture, it clearly is an act of faith to be about the work of reconciliation. That work becomes spiritual ministry when it is not tainted by superficial gestures or actions designed to keep up appearances.

The process of reconciliation after violence may take months or years, but the process cannot be ignored or circumvented if restoration is to be accomplished. Restoration cannot be based on the promises of the abuser. It must be based on unquestioned evidence of change in the abuser's behavior. Even then, there are no guarantees; there is only the possibility of restoration. The outcome depends on how severe the damage has been to the relationship. The abuser's violence has broken relationship and has destroyed the trust that is necessary for intimacy and covenant. The victim must believe in the certainty and the evidence that violence, coercion, power and control are no longer part of the abuser's participation in relationships. Until the victim can believe in this, there is no possibility of reconciliation.

Remember that when this kind of restoration is not possible because the repentance is not real, or when the damage to the relationship was simply too great, then the grief work in the face of the loss of the relationship (divorce) becomes the priority. No matter how bad the situation was, there was some good that held the victim there. This good must be grieved for. Sometimes the only way to survive is to mourn the loss and to seek restored personal wholeness, with faith that even out of death can come new life.

So what is a compassionate pastoral response?

Issues of violence and abuse are complex, often confusing, particularly if clergy do not have a broad base of experience working with victims and perpetrators of violence. Frustration and confusion can certainly preclude the minister's ability to provide a prophetic and compassionate response.

The complexity of the issues that are revealed through disclosure can easily lead to confusion for clergy, even though they may want to offer sensitive and appropriate spiritual care. In the midst of chaotic circumstances, it can be difficult for a minister to maintain clarity of intervention. Clergy, therefore, must educate themselves on the dynamics of violence and the issues of victimization. A simple plan for clergy in responding to victims includes: (1) identifying the problem and the immediate needs; (2) making appropriate referrals; and (3) providing the resource that they are best qualified to provide: spiritual care and support. Ministers should not attempt to provide long-term counseling to victims or offenders, unless they have specific training to do so.

Lack of Preparation

Many clergy persons do not have specialized experience. Most seminarians do not receive instruction regarding ministry in situations of family violence. Tragically, many do not even know that family violence, child abuse, sexual assault, and various forms of violence actually do occur with persons who are a part of faith communities. The clergy person does not need to have specialized training in violence and victimization to effectively provide spiritual care to congregants, but clergy must have a working knowledge and awareness of violence. Without this knowledge base, the clergy person is left with no skills and no confidence in responding to the victim or abuser.

Minimization of the Victim's Story

A common response to violence in the family is minimization and denial. This response, called emotional distancing, enables a person to cope with a reality that is disquieting and generally overwhelming. Minimizing is common for victim and abuser. It is also common for helpers, family members, friends and clergy to minimize the violence.

Certainly, horrific stories of violence can be difficult to comprehend, often impossible to believe. This does not mean that they are untrue. When you are tempted to seek comfort in minimization or denial, remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give to a victim is the gift of acknowledging the pain and believing the story. It is not your responsibility to confirm or deny, simply to be a compassionate presence in the midst of the story's suffering.

Competence and Consistency

Ministers do not usually have the time or the expertise to provide all that is needed by victims of violence and their offenders. Know the professionals and paraprofessionals in the secular community, and work with them to provide holistic care. Know those who are best qualified to help your parishioners and cooperate with them to create a more sensitive and competent response to violence.

Consistency is also important in response to victims and abusers. The victim needs consistent support from all the resource people who can offer help. The abuser needs consistent confrontation and expectations of accountability. It does great harm when a mother notifies the authorities that her husband is molesting her child, when the authorities gather evidence, the prosecutor files charges, and the court hears the case, if the man's minister arrives to testify on his behalf, claiming that it is impossible for this man to have molested his child because he teaches Sunday school and sings in the choir.

Instead, the clergy person should know that it is very possible that the same father who otherwise appears to be a model member of the faith community could well have molested his child. This is a common rather than an uncommon situation. The proper pastoral response should not be to try to help an abuser avoid the consequences of his behavior.

Finally, the Prophetic Response

The prophetic response deals with deeply held issues of faith that include both healing from harm and confessing sin. Any ministry offered in response to violence should begin with confession. There are always times when persons called to be prophets and providers of spiritual care look but do not see, listen but do not hear. Victims have suffered further pain because of this failure.

The occasion of confession is for us all – clergy and victim and offender – and it is for us a responsible means of confronting the abuse, naming the suffering, admitting our inadequacy, owning our sin, and finding the light of new hope in the midst of a dark time. On this confessional ground – sacred ground – forgiveness can begin. Such forgiveness allows the pain to be left behind, but never forgotten. It allows the pain of the inner wounds to heal, but never explained away. And now, the relationship can take on a new heart

Additional Resource

A Shattered Belief System

Sometimes survivors of violence find their original belief system replaced by trauma based beliefs. For others, prior beliefs and connections to God and others help them endure trauma and cope with life after the trauma. Still others have only known a belief system that was based on violence and fear. An important task facing trauma survivors is to identify negative beliefs caused by trauma and replace them with healthier beliefs based on connection. Some of the most difficult beliefs shaped by trauma include:

• I deserve what happened to me.

• I can trust no one.

• I am to blame for what happened to me.

• I will never be safe again.

• I am bad, evil, a mistake.

• I have no worth or value as a person.

• God is punishing me.

• I caused what happened

• I am alone, abandoned, forsaken.

References:

Kennedy M. (1991). Christianity – Help or hindrance for the abused child or adult? Child Abuse Review. (5) 3.

Miles, A. (June 30, 2003). Interactive video conference sponsored by Praxis International and the U.S. Department of Justice Office of Violence Against Women.

Rev. Kathy Manis Findley is the Executive Director of Safe Places: the Center for Healing and Hope in Little Rock, Arkansas and author of The Survivor’s Voice: Healing the Invisible Wounds of Violence and Abuse.

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